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To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. One day the phone rang at a law office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday. Dewey died, why do you keep calling and asking for him?

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand. A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor.

The senior partner was horrified. Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. They both look good hanging from a tree. A doberman pinscher. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Reported in James C.

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It is always wise to look ahead — but difficult to look further than you can see. Appears in Churchill By Himself , ed. Langworth, PublicAffairs , p. Bessie Braddock : Winston, you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk. Churchill : Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and, what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly. Golding's claim, made to Churchill expert Richard Langworth, was reported in Langworth's collection Churchill by himself. Langworth adds that Churchill's daughter Lady Soames doubted the story. The basic idea of this joke was published as early as , although it was used to ridicule the critic's foolishness rather than ugliness: " Often given in a shorter form, e.

Democracy means that if the doorbell rings in the early hours, it is likely to be the milkman. Widely quoted and attributed, but without a documented source. Hence, we will not say that Greeks fight like heroes, but that heroes fight like Greeks.


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Allegedly said regarding a Greek victory over Italian invaders, but without a documented source. Misattributed [ edit ] The Balkans produce more history than they can consume also reported in the form: The peoples of the Balkans produce more history than they can consume, and the weight of their past lies oppressively on their present.

Although widely attributed to Winston Churchill e. They must manage them as best they can. That might be true of nuclear proliferation, but no such excuses can be made for the European Union's activities at the end of the Cold War. It faced a task so obvious and achievable as to count as an almost explicit duty laid down by History: namely, the speedy incorporation of the new Central European democracies--Poland, Hungary and what was then Czechoslovakia--within the EU's economic and political structures.

Early entry into Europe was the wish of the new democracies; it would help to stabilize them politically and smooth their transition to market economies; and it would ratify the post-Cold War settlement in Europe. Given the stormy past of that region-- the inhabitants are said to produce more history than they can consume locally --everyone should have wished to see it settled economically.


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  • Old gentlemen with bad memories said it reminded them of Disraeli. All Indian leaders will be of low calibre and men of straw. They will have sweet tongues and silly hearts. They will fight amongst themselves for power and India will be lost in political squabbles.

    The Joke Is in Your Hand!: Over 750 Really Dirty Jokes from a Disgruntled Mailman.

    Often cited as from a speech "on the eve of Indian Independence in ", e. May have first appeared in the Annual Report of P. Oak 's discredited "Institute for Rewriting Indian History" in , and is now quoted in at least three books, as well as countless media and websites. There is no such thing as a good tax. Though it is often attributed to Churchill, there is no evidence he ever said it.

    If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no brain. Furthermore, the Churchill Centre , on its Falsely Attributed Quotations page, states "there is no record of anyone hearing Churchill say this. He'd been a Conservative at 15 and a Liberal at 35!

    And would he have talked so disrespectfully of Clemmie, who is generally thought to have been a lifelong Liberal? Show me a young conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains. If you are not a socialist by the time you are 25, you have no heart. If you are still a socialist by the time you are 35, you have no head.

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    The fascists of the future will be called anti-fascists. According to research [19] , it has been attributed to Churchill since the 21st century. There is nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.

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    According to The quote verifier: who said what, where, and when , Keyes, Macmillan, p. An empty taxi arrived and out of it stepped Attlee. When he heard about that misattribution he said: Mr Attlee is an honourable and gallant gentleman, and a faithful colleague who served his country well at the time of her greatest need. I should be obliged if you would make it clear whenever an occasion arises that I would never make such a remark about him, and that I strongly disapprove of anybody who does. All this contains much that is obviously true, and much that is relevant; unfortunately, what is obviously true is not relevant , and what is relevant is not obviously true.

    This is not by Churchill, but a paraphrase of Churchill quoting Arthur James Balfour in Great Contemporaries : 'there were some things that were true, and some things that were trite; but what was true was trite, and what was not trite was not true'. You make a living by what you get; you make a life by what you give. Variant: We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

    Extensive research of writings by and about Churchill at the Churchill Centre fails to indicate that Churchill ever spoke or wrote those words. Some sites list Norman MacEwen as the originator of the quote. The further backward you look, the further forward you can see. Langworth, PublicAffairs, p. The attribution of the mistaken form of the quote to Churchill dates from at least Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash. According to Churchill's assistant, Anthony Montague-Browne, Churchill had not coined this phrase, but wished he had.

    5 of The Darkest Jokes Ever (PART 1/2)

    Film producer Alexander Korda asked Churchill in if he had made the remark, he replied No, I didn't say it; but I'm sorry I didn't, because it was quite witty … and so true! Quoted in Nigel Rees , Sayings of the Century p. People often forget that in there was no guarantee that we were going to win. This quote is actually from Churchill's daughter, Lady Soames. This military aphorism has been attributed to both von Moltke and Clausewitz , as well as Churchill.

    Eisenhower : I tell this story to illustrate the truth of the statement I heard long ago in the Army: Plans are worthless, but planning is everything. There is a very great distinction because when you are planning for an emergency you must start with this one thing: the very definition of 'emergency' is that it is unexpected, therefore it is not going to happen the way you are planning.

    Jacks link. Human society is not a constructed thing but a human organization We are adopting a false method of reform when we begin by operations that weaken society, either morally or materially, by lower its vitality, by plunging it into gloom and despair about itself, by inducing the atmosphere of the sick-room, and then when its courage and resources are at a low ebb, expecting it to perform some mighty feat of self-reformation Social despair or bitterness does not get us anywhere Low spirits are an intellectual luxury.

    An optimist is one who sees an opportunity in every difficulty. A pessimist is one who sees a difficulty in every opportunity The conquest of great difficulties is the glory of human nature. Jacks, quoted in American character, by Brander Matthews, You have enemies? Often attributed to Churchill, this thought was originally expressed by the French author Victor Hugo in Villemain , as follows: You have enemies?

    Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea.